Alchemical Change and Substance Abuse

The Alchemical Change and Substance Abuse Part 1- Insight Role 

Hi my name is Amy and I am (Cross Addicted) ummm…… The first day in rehab awake and I am lying….Hi my name is Amy and I am (Cross Addicted). The first day in rehab awake and I am lying. I said “no I am on opportunist” and of course my newly younger anger management recovering family member counselor looked perplexed. I said that means chances are if it is sitting in front of my face smirking at me with the slightest chance for me to abuse, use, and bleed it dry for a buzz, I will one night stand it. I mean we are all sitting in these chairs, lying, dying and completely have nothing better to do than to be sitting with jesus christ in rehab… and Meghan… Meek Meghan, yes Meghan I called you meek and told them you could not council me because I would devour your pretty, angry and completely clueless innocent soul in a matter of seconds. I could not place my esteem issue, detoxing “diseased” complex while smiling with my lying fuck off inferior perception of myself if I just up and signed into rehab to work on myself. She of course was still was offended and scratching her neck like a dog, biggest hint from a recovering anger management “recovering family member” that this girl is underlying just as fucked up as I am and I was in no shape formulated to compete with her for first place. I think she won because Librium was prescribed from some indian doctor, former AA, probably a dope head only because that drug runs lazy from where I see him sitting minus the passing out in his sporty coffee cup. 8 times a day, 8 pills, ok I have done worse. Absolutely not, what in the fuck did you ex junkies give me? I couldn’t even find any energy or coherence to mutter the words from my mouth as I shuffled out of the “detox ward” into a full blown AA meeting. “Those Fuckers I mumbled” Hi Im Nichole and I will be your buddy greeting me at the fake coffee with a fake hug. Of course I misunderstood her and I said no I don’t have a buddy in here, I need to eat lunch or Nurse GG camel bags will mark me as in compliant. She attempted several more tries at “the buddy” bark before I did the Librium shuffle to a banana and orange juice. Day 4 and I was finally coherent enough to wake up. I didn’t know I had slept for 4 days but graciously complacent to all 3 meals, I think. My roommate looked like she was trying to be a boot stomping italian mobster but she the sweetest, yet delightfully mean mugged at all times and it really didn’t make anyone want to talk to us which I was thankful for. My buddy Nichole, she wouldn’t even walk out the same door as me. 

Greg Strife, this empty suit, wait thats a pretty bad ass picture of Jimi Hendrix hmm…. Amy O with the smuggest fucking laugh I have ever heard that I busted out laughing. I said why am I the only one who has to have her last initial pronounced and the only Amy in probably a 100 mile radiance he laughed. Asked me 3 questions that made his balls outgrow the entire room and speechless. I said well my Mom isn’t the most resourceful on this and she is dramatic, like extra scary dramatic. He said just get the fuck out? I said wait I can’t? So you know I am just going to eventually come back. He said again, get the fuck out of my office liar and when you can tell me one truth maybe I will open the door and allow you face to face counseling. Don’t be looking all meek he said amy. Fuck, I thought to myself. So he held good on his word and made me tell a truth before he would open it. Just my luck he is deaf as fuck from front row jam bands and eccentrically spiced up from all the crack he smoked. Just my guy. I said listen I asked for the biggest ass hole in here because I can’t have someone baby me, I will walk all over them, its my defensive mechanism. I need someone who will make me feel as uncomfortable, naked and completely sabotage the second you sense bullshit. Your hired. He is actually a really cool guy and if anyone could run a rehab clinic of Wyoming Valley, this hippy ex crack head was the perfect underlying sadist to do it. Only one funny joke I will share from him. I was on a non sleep, non nobody fucking cares binger and worked out every morning before the “Breakfast Pumps” sporting their jail made eyeliner, freshly toothpaste hair and first ********  of the day. Here comes Joe Kane jamming out with Dick (his real name) like a teenage dream. He said to this skinny looking dude attempting to lift weights like mike tyson, and epically embracing his girl and his weights as “Dallas Barbie” a former speed ball junkie and young bitch fucking know it all who looks like she dead and no one told her. She is flipping her hair and picking at her gums. I think wow-Greg Strife just ruined “skinny dude’s” chance at a rehab romance with Dallas Barbie indefinitely with his “toilet water” comment. He said whats your name muscles? Listen you were just shooting dirty urinal water in your arms 3 days ago, chill out. It was the first sober belly laugh with tears I had. I remember thinking at that very moment, life its still funny at the most inappropriate times. I knew I was going to be just fine.  

Back to the Earth “The Awakening”

I started this journey a little over a year ago. Not only my balancing force, my brother, my mentor, and love of my life, with no mutual friends in common, he found me. I didn’t quite know what his preference in religion was, nor did I care. We spent months getting to know each other and he saw what I now am coming to learn about myself. As my Mother calls it,  that “witchcraft” is something greater than any of that. Pathworking the sinister tarot cards has revealed my deepest psyche by slowly stripping the layers of my huge ego that I created to barricade the powers within. It had been world wind experience and is continuing to change my life. It has brought me to the brink of chaos, madness, depression, and an insight that has been revealed in forms that nothing could have prepared me for. I came into this with a complete open mind, no preconceived notions and very little knowledge of working this left-handed path. I was raised a catholic and was forced into religion. I questioned my put of place existence as a catholic my entire life. My mother made us attend CCD and church until I was 18. My own church eventually shunned and turned its back on me. That was probably the first liberating experience I have encountered. I was working two job, selling death to attend college. I could no longer attend the services but yet they still took that envelope with my dues for two years before telling my Mother she could no longer pick them up. I was always that “student” inquisitive, questioning why a box couldn’t be a circle and the Catholics only response was “We don’t question our lord” That answer just wasn’t acceptable to me and the science, physics, chemistry and common sense just could not allow me to continue with my raised religion. My answer today when I’m asked what religion I am, I simply state that I don’t believe in religion, I just believe in continuance. I am here to seek “them” my brothers and sisters.